rambling

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. i guess that would be a fail on the blog front but i am committed to getting back into it... I was finding it hard to write but i think i want to changed it up a little and instead of a blog that write all the time I want it to be more about my photography and not so much about me and my personal stuff. For some reason to day though I feel like writing and rambling...

Today is one of those where everything and everyone bugs the shit out of me... I hate that I have to be on the phone and be nice to people today... Why are they asking such stupid question? Why hasn't natural selection taken you out yet.

Secondly I think I am a serial dater this needs to stop. I have this need to date and see how far I can get and once i get to that end I am done. I need to stop. I thought that I found an awesome girl and I was ready to make that it but all of a sudden everything changed. So here I am again dating and doing what I do and I'm not happy at all.

Next gripe, why is it then you think you have you money figured out something comes along and fucks it all up. Even when Christine and I were married we had issues... We were comfortable but we always wanted more.

And then.... LOL I work full time and i don't like it. I want to be able to make photography my one and only job but i don't really know how to market myself... I have the website I have twitter and facebook but other than posting and and tweeting I don't now how to get out there and get clients. I want this to take off. Where do I go from here?

Lastly, I think I should end on a positive note so I have been taking a lot of photos and I love getting out and doing it. I know this is what i want. I have sold a bunch of pieces and that is rad. My showing is ending at sling shot and I am working on getting into a different place. It is the coolest thing to walk into a place and see my work on the wall.

So until next time...
Thanks for reading

Waiting for a break through.

Do you ever feel like you just need a break? Like as soon as you have a grasp on everything it gets yanked out of your hands and is just out of your reach again. You want it so bad you can taste and feel it. All you need to get right is that little bit of blue in a grey sky. You keep waiting for it to brake through and every minute it doesn’t you fall deeper and further behind and you spiral down uncontrollably. You grasp for anything to keep you from going deeper down that path but it all breaks as soon as you get a hold of it. And finally there you are sitting and staring up this dark tunnel at a tiny grey sky hoping and praying for some blue to break though just for a moment and bring back to where you once were.

Its been a long time since I have let someone one in. Its not easy to crack this shell. I have tried to get past it many times before but never could. Then you came along. I wasn't expecting it. You turned from the ball of confidence and made me question everything I have been doing. You made me feel like I used to feel. I miss the old me. I want the old part of me back and you did something to unlock it. But now I am afraid that I am vulnerable and will get hurt again. That letting myself feel what I have been feeling was a bad idea and that I need to pull back. I am torn I want to stay and feel like this but the same time I felt this way once before, I was broken and the pieces fell everywhere. What do I do? Should I take the chance and hope and pray that this all works out or do I crawl back and push this away before something happens.

One my favorite pieces by Derek Hess... Valentine.

Dreams

I have never been able to remember my dreams and if I do I can only see bits and pieces of it. My dream format is always the same, it is a video slide show of what ever was going on. One picture at a time, that is just the way my dreams work out. But last Sunday night I had the most vivid, graphic, detail full dream that I have ever had. Not only was it in a story format but I remember everything in it.

In my dream I got a phone call from Christine which that alone is weird enough but it doesn't stop there. She then proceeds to tell me that her and I have a 5 year old daughter that she never told me about and that my daughter wanted to meet me. Now lets think about this.... 5 years old and it is Sept. 2010 I moved out in July of 2006 she could have been pregnant before i left so theoretically it could be possible. So back to the dream. I flew down to Napa to meet the daughter I never knew I had and She is absolutely beautiful, so obviously she had to be mine. LOL. She had light brownish blond hair big blue gray eyes and her name was Kaliegh (Kay-lee). She wanted to see me. She wanted me to be in her life. I remember asking her what she wanted to do and she looked and me said something fun...`

I remember waking up thinking this is so weird and totally freaked out. But I must admit and part of me was sad that it wasn't true. Will I have a son or daughter? Only time will tell...

Last weekend

I had an awesome weekend with friends. Camping, hanging out, eating good food and being in amazing company. What more could you ask for. Here are some photos from the trip.

The Coast

I have to say the Oregon coast in pretty amazing. I had an awesome day at the coast and wanted to share some of it. so here you go.

Where did summer go?

So sad... I feel like we got a late start on summer and now we have rain in August... Really? WTF? I am not ready for the rain.

Part one

Life is all about our journey and our story. This walk, hike, run, ride what every you want to do to get through it. We all want to be able to look back at are life and see that we left our mark not necessarily on the earth but in our world amongst friends, family, co-workers and our community.

One step is to find out what we want and do it. Many in the crew would say "tack at it!" We need to have a goal and a plan to attain it, once you get it set another one. We should always be striving to be better.

Another step is to love. Hold your friendships close to your heart. Let them know that your relationship is real and that you would do anything to make sure it lasts.

Next I think would be is have a voice. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you feel is right. If you believe in something really get behind it. Don't just stand back at a distance and speak under your breath. We all have a voice and have something to contribute.

Green Light

In life we have many paths and we have to choose what road to take. Sometimes we have a green light to proceed but something prevents us from going forward. What distracts us from going through the green light? It can be anything like work, friends, money or love. What we need to do is figure out where we want to go and how we to get there. We have to stay focused and not stray from are path. So that when we see the green light we can go through it knowing that we are on the path you are meant to be on.

Love

The base of every marriage is love right? Some would say that the base is communication or trust. I think It is all of those things. When we enter into a committed relationship we expect those things to be there... And we have to make sure that we follow through with are end of the deal. Relationships aren't something we should take lightly. When we say I love you and get it back in return we hold that persons heart in our hands. They are trusting us to protect it and to cherish it as if if were are own. All the time you hear what love is according to the bible. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." We hear and see this but we have to believe it. Take the time to love. Take the time to find the person that will return that love. Love is an amazing thing can change are perspective on anything and everything.

Details in the fabric.

Details in the fabric is one of my favorite songs. It's about moving on after loosing something or someone and starting over and dealing with life right at that moment. I have had times when I feel like I am just barely staying afloat and treading water. This song helps me.

So it starts like this:

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

It is saying that you just have to relax calm down breath deep and get your things together. I know that sometimes instead of calming down and taking a deep breath I just run around and panic when I should focus and be centered.

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything, will be fine.

Here he says fix what is going, do what you need to make the immediate pain or shock fade. "Hold your own and know your name." Know who you are! No matter what happens never change who you are and be true to yourself. "And go your own way. And Everything will be fine." Find your path... figure out what you need to do to be happy. It is your path to take, do it and everything will be fine.

Lastly
All the details in the fabric
All the things that make you panic
All your thoughts, results of static cling
All the things that make you blow
Ain't no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked,
It's just the fault of faulty manufacturing
Everything, will be fine
Everything, in time
Everything...

"All the details in the fabric" Fabric is life the details are everything else that you deal with. "All your thoughts, result of static cling" Means we attract what we put out. If you put out good we will attract good but if you have negative thoughts you will never have positive inputs in your life or journey. The things that make you blow is easy its the bumps in the road that make you angry and want to scream "its the fault of faulty manufacturing" its the pot hole in the road the that you can avoid of take if you just relax and take it easy bad things will happen and we can deal with it, we just can't unravel. "Everything will be fine."


So if you stumble fall and need help everything you need is in your heart and mind. Just take a moment collect your thoughts, know who you are. Find your path and take it, walk it, be ready for all the obstacles and take it all in stride. And everything will be fine.

The Begining

When I came up with this idea I thought this would be an amazing way for me to explore myself and to grow within myself. I want to find me. What make me Jan. What do you see that sometimes I fail to see and because Photography is a huge passion of mine I thought it would awesome incorporate a photo with every post. I want this to be a journey, a year of self exploration in all aspects of my life. Transforming me in my friendships, my love life, my work life, health.

In my friendships with my current friends I would like to maintain what we have while learning about them more. Really getting into what makes them them. I don't want the superficial friendship. I want my friends to know how much I love them and how much I am willing to do for our relationship.

Hmmm in my love life... I want one. LOL. I want someone that I wake up next to and fall in love with every morning I see them. Someone that does the little things not because they feel they have to but they want to. I want someone to share life's moments with. But I know that before I can have any of this I need to get to a place where I am not afraid to get hurt, to not be so guarded, to just go with the flow and ok to just relax.

My work life... I don't want to work... I want to go to a job that is so much fun that it isn't considered working. I would like to take my photography to the next level and be able to do it full time.

My health... I am already smaller that I was when I moved to Portland but I want it to continue. My goal is 220. So over this next year I will working on getting down to that point. wish me luck.

So I figure for my first post it would be good to lay a foundation so to speak.

If you are reading I hope you tag along and be apart of my journey.

Cheers!