I hate it.

I date a lot and I dont just Like anyone. Nor do I allow myself to get to involved because I am afraid to get hurt. Recently I met a girl that I wanted to get to know and I wanted her to know all about me as well. Everything was going well. We were talking on a daily basis and we were going to get together and then I got a text that said she is going through things and needs time to figure them out. She also said she didn't want to talk about and that she would be distant for a while. Now most of the time I would just say yeah no worries take care of your things and we can talk later but because I have feeling for here part of me is like "is she blowing me off?" I don't want to think that but I can't stop thinking the worst. In are talks we talked about the way we are in relationships and we are very similar in that we are very guarded and when things seem to go well we find a way to pull back and we hurt the other person. I hope this isn't the case. we have so much in common and we have a goof time. I don't know what to think and it sucks....

rambling

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. i guess that would be a fail on the blog front but i am committed to getting back into it... I was finding it hard to write but i think i want to changed it up a little and instead of a blog that write all the time I want it to be more about my photography and not so much about me and my personal stuff. For some reason to day though I feel like writing and rambling...

Today is one of those where everything and everyone bugs the shit out of me... I hate that I have to be on the phone and be nice to people today... Why are they asking such stupid question? Why hasn't natural selection taken you out yet.

Secondly I think I am a serial dater this needs to stop. I have this need to date and see how far I can get and once i get to that end I am done. I need to stop. I thought that I found an awesome girl and I was ready to make that it but all of a sudden everything changed. So here I am again dating and doing what I do and I'm not happy at all.

Next gripe, why is it then you think you have you money figured out something comes along and fucks it all up. Even when Christine and I were married we had issues... We were comfortable but we always wanted more.

And then.... LOL I work full time and i don't like it. I want to be able to make photography my one and only job but i don't really know how to market myself... I have the website I have twitter and facebook but other than posting and and tweeting I don't now how to get out there and get clients. I want this to take off. Where do I go from here?

Lastly, I think I should end on a positive note so I have been taking a lot of photos and I love getting out and doing it. I know this is what i want. I have sold a bunch of pieces and that is rad. My showing is ending at sling shot and I am working on getting into a different place. It is the coolest thing to walk into a place and see my work on the wall.

So until next time...
Thanks for reading

Waiting for a break through.

Do you ever feel like you just need a break? Like as soon as you have a grasp on everything it gets yanked out of your hands and is just out of your reach again. You want it so bad you can taste and feel it. All you need to get right is that little bit of blue in a grey sky. You keep waiting for it to brake through and every minute it doesn’t you fall deeper and further behind and you spiral down uncontrollably. You grasp for anything to keep you from going deeper down that path but it all breaks as soon as you get a hold of it. And finally there you are sitting and staring up this dark tunnel at a tiny grey sky hoping and praying for some blue to break though just for a moment and bring back to where you once were.

Its been a long time since I have let someone one in. Its not easy to crack this shell. I have tried to get past it many times before but never could. Then you came along. I wasn't expecting it. You turned from the ball of confidence and made me question everything I have been doing. You made me feel like I used to feel. I miss the old me. I want the old part of me back and you did something to unlock it. But now I am afraid that I am vulnerable and will get hurt again. That letting myself feel what I have been feeling was a bad idea and that I need to pull back. I am torn I want to stay and feel like this but the same time I felt this way once before, I was broken and the pieces fell everywhere. What do I do? Should I take the chance and hope and pray that this all works out or do I crawl back and push this away before something happens.

One my favorite pieces by Derek Hess... Valentine.

Dreams

I have never been able to remember my dreams and if I do I can only see bits and pieces of it. My dream format is always the same, it is a video slide show of what ever was going on. One picture at a time, that is just the way my dreams work out. But last Sunday night I had the most vivid, graphic, detail full dream that I have ever had. Not only was it in a story format but I remember everything in it.

In my dream I got a phone call from Christine which that alone is weird enough but it doesn't stop there. She then proceeds to tell me that her and I have a 5 year old daughter that she never told me about and that my daughter wanted to meet me. Now lets think about this.... 5 years old and it is Sept. 2010 I moved out in July of 2006 she could have been pregnant before i left so theoretically it could be possible. So back to the dream. I flew down to Napa to meet the daughter I never knew I had and She is absolutely beautiful, so obviously she had to be mine. LOL. She had light brownish blond hair big blue gray eyes and her name was Kaliegh (Kay-lee). She wanted to see me. She wanted me to be in her life. I remember asking her what she wanted to do and she looked and me said something fun...`

I remember waking up thinking this is so weird and totally freaked out. But I must admit and part of me was sad that it wasn't true. Will I have a son or daughter? Only time will tell...

Last weekend

I had an awesome weekend with friends. Camping, hanging out, eating good food and being in amazing company. What more could you ask for. Here are some photos from the trip.

The Coast

I have to say the Oregon coast in pretty amazing. I had an awesome day at the coast and wanted to share some of it. so here you go.